Recently I published my first book, a work of fiction entitled The Sum of all Parts. Since its publication last March I've done a couple radio interviews, a few newspaper articles, and I've even chatted to people who have read my book, and one question always comes up: is it real, is it about you? I'm always evasive when replying to this question and I probably don't give an altogether satisfactory answer. You see I believe all writers - me anyway - base some of their work on reality, on their own experiences be it first, second or third hand. They use something they have experienced, overheard, or have seen and use it and adapt it to suit whatever it is they are working on. The British author of fiction and memoir Nell Stevens puts it quite well when she talks about using real life in her work:

'...to use my own experiences in roughly the same way I imagine a sculptor uses a block of marble: they are mine to chip away at, to shape, to transform as I see fit.'

So yes, some of The Sum of all Parts could be classed as true, as being a little bit me if you like. Am I going to tell you which parts exactly? I am not. There'd be no fun in that. But I do use my life experiences, observations and so forth when writing.

But maybe I'll give a little bit away. For those of you who know me personally, and for those of you who may have read my blog Let's Talk About It (10 September 2023), you will be aware that mental health issues hold an important place in my heart. I have loved ones who suffer from mental health issues. I have mental health issues. So I shall be honest on this point: the narrator The Patient in The Sum of all Parts is loosely based on my own experiences - chipped away, shaped and transformed as I saw fit. Why am I admitting this now? Well, as I said, those of you who know me and have read the book have probably already guessed this, but more importantly I am not ashamed of suffering from mental health issues, I am not ashamed of my love ones who suffer either. As the UK's Mental Health Week approaches and as Ireland's Darkness Into Light event draws near, I think that it is timely to speak out again about mental health. It shouldn't be hidden, we shouldn't be afraid or worried or ashamed about talking about it or about seeking help. Now, in general, mental health and all that it entails is certainly less taboo nowadays. Also people do seem to have a better understanding of what it means, for example, to suffer from depression or anxiety, or to be bi polar or to have PTSD. There are of course some who still need educating (and don't get me started about those who cry 'depression' as an excuse for bad behaviour or who seem to say they have depression merely as a kind of trendy accessory) people who say when they hear of a suicide or a suicide attempt 'but why? They were always so happy/they had everything/how selfish.' Firstly, someone who is depressed or suicidal is more often than not extremely adept at hiding their true feelings, of adopting a persona in order to fit in, of pasting a smile on their face. Being depressed or suicidal does not necessarily mean someone will be continually crying or morose. And as for being selfish, let me tell you from personal experience, at that particular moment when the pills are being swallowed or when the knife is poised above the wrist or the noose is being placed around the neck or they're teetering on a ledge - well at that precise moment that person truly 100% believes that they are acting selflessly. At that precise moment in time they truly believe that the act of suicide is their only option and that it is the best decision for everybody. Here's the thing though, we all of us have an in-built survival instinct and that means that feeling doesn't last. The instinct to survive is too strong. That's great I hear you cry. You would think so. But it's not so great if that instinct only kicks in after you've swallowed all the pills or when your dangling from the rope or when you've already jumped. Apologies. I didn't mean to get so dark.

Let's back up a little bit. People in general do have a better understanding of mental health issues and therapy is now seen far more positively - less sneered at and less of a joke. I know therapy has been a great help to me. Unfortunately due to a clerical error, I haven't seen my therapist in a long time but in the meantime I use the skills I learnt in my sessions and I have my own form of therapy: gardening and writing. There's nothing quite like feeling the earth between your fingers, hearing the birdsong, nurturing your seedlings and tending to your plants. As for writing, it is extremely cathartic and I love it almost to a point of obsession. But I sometimes wonder if writing is the best way to work through my low moods, after all when I'm writing I am effectively hiding inside my head with a bunch of imaginary friends, controlling and working through their pretend lives and problems whilst ignoring my own. Hardly sane behaviour, but it works for me. I think. As for my therapy and that clerical error, well let's be honest: the Irish mental health system is not up to scratch (see my blog Let's Talk About It), the mental health units are understaffed and the staff they do have are overworked, and I have to be brutally honest here there are some staff members - a minority - who just don't care about the patients.

Now this weekend across Ireland, Pieta is holding it's annual Darkness Into Light event. For those of you who don't know, Pieta provides a range of services to individuals who experience suicide ideation, engage in self-harm, or who are bereaved by suicide. Darkness Into Light is it's annual fundraiser where people meet before dawn and walk or run 5km - some holding candles - to meet the sunrise. Last year the event raised 4 million euros. I participated one year. I personally found it an odd event, we all walked and then disappeared home. It was a bit 'meh' if I'm honest, but at least money was raised for a good cause. What concerns me about the event is that to the best of my knowledge, Pieta only gets spoken about just before the fundraiser - I certainly only hear about it in the run up to the walk - and it also concerns me that I have no idea where my local Pieta House is located (I googled it, and there is no way of contacting them other than by an online form - a slow method of communication - so I still have no idea where they are). Another concern is that - although Pieta House are undoubtedly doing a great job and the money raised is amazing - why does Ireland need a charity for those with suicide issues? Why is the government not providing the correct supports for mental health issues? Why are they not providing adequate funding? Why is it being left down to those with mental health issues or who have suffered losing someone through suicide, to raise the funds for Pieta House? It just doesn't seem right.

Rant over, and let me please reiterate: I am sure Pieta House is doing wonderful things and is a great support for those able to access it, and fair play to everyone who participates in Darkness Into Light and who raise money to help those in such desperate need. But can I have just one more moan? Darkness Into Light - a great event but such a misnomer. Now I'm aware the promotors of the event wanted a name that was upbeat and hopeful (hope, now there's an unreliable and dangerous emotion) but anyone who has any experience of suicide or with depression will be aware that it is very very rarely a case of darkness into light, rather it is darkness into light into darkness into light into - you get my drift. It's an endless cycle. Depression, suicidal thoughts - you very rarely can eradicate them fully. It's like gardening, weeds will continually spring up and need removing and so too do negative thoughts. 'Our lives are what our thoughts make it' so said Marcus Aurelius and wasn't he so right. Negative and harmful thoughts lead to negative and harmful feelings and negative and harmful feelings lead to negative and harmful behaviour - including suicide - and so these thoughts have to be, need to be, regulated and monitored. We have to weed our minds as well as our gardens. For those who suffer from mental health issues there is no magic light switch that will take them from darkness into light permanently. For them - for me - everyday is a struggle, sometimes a battle. We are holding that guttering candle in a force ten gale on a daily basis, trying to keep that flame alight and putting on a brave face as we do so.

In the meantime: The Sum of all Parts, fact or fiction? A bit of both. But to quote the wonderful Evelyn Waugh:
'I am not I: thou art not he or she: they are not they.'