ADAPTING AND MOVING ON: GOODBYE 2023

Christmas is over and the new year is fast approaching. I’ve never celebrated the new year, it’s not something my family did when I was a child and I’ve never done anything as an adult to mark the new year either. For the most part I’ve always been rather negative about new year celebrations – what’s to celebrate? It’s just another year gone, all those lost opportunities, those regrets. We’re celebrating the passing of time, celebrating the steady and inevitable march to our own demise. But that was me then. Over these past 5 years or so, and more particularly this past year, I’ve been doing my best to change my outlook on life. Those of you who know me may scoff at this – what change, I hear you say. Or perhaps you think the changes I’m trying to make are foolish or not enough or too slow. Well, as part of my change I say to you that I don’t particularly care what you think, it’s my life and my journey. Let me elaborate. For more years than I care to remember I have put me, my needs, my wants, second – actually probably way lower than second. I have been a people pleaser at best and at worst I have been to afraid to put myself first. Now, my need to please isnot all negative, it’s good to be empathetic and to care, it’s right to put the needs, for example, of your children first; but I just went a little too gung-ho about it, I was more doormat than helpful, more needy than caring. As I put more into others than into me I forgot about what I wanted from life, and I also forgot about self-care – I let my appearance and weight go, blithely excusing my shabby appearance to my being ‘low maintenance’ and that looks weren’t everything. And they aren’t. But, as I let my outward appearance go I was also affecting my inner self – my self esteem wasshot, my confidence waned, I felt useless and of little worth. It then became a vicious cycle as in order to boost my confidence and self worth I did more for others and focused on pleasing others rather than attending to myself. I remember a former colleague, on seeing me help my co-workers with lesson plans and art displays and so forth, piling more work onto my own workload, well that colleague took me to one side and said ‘you know that you can say no, don’t you?’ She even had me practice saying the word! I ignored her, I thought that it was nice to be nice. At times I got angry, blaming everyone else for my low moods, for being put upon, but the fact of the matter is I could have changed things at any time had I only chosen to, I could have said ‘no’ just like my colleague suggested, I could have put me first. Instead I chose to be a martyr.

Now, as I mentioned, these past 5 years or so and in particular this last year, I have finally started to make some changes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still empathetic and I’m still helping family and friends but I’m also learning to acknowledge what I need and want too. Why this change? Well, some of the reasons are personal so I shall keep those to myself, but let’s just say a work issue, health issues and even being stuck at home during COVID helped me to re evaluate things, that and advice from family and friends of course – I thank you profusely for the baby steps that I am currently making. Some of course were bigger than baby steps, namely the realisation of my writing dream. That dream had been tamped down for over 30 years – I wouldn’t be able to write a book, no one would want to publish it, who did I think I was? I wrote a little in my spare time but always returned to those excuses. Then a dear friend of mine retired and advised me to make sure that I had no regrets. This, and lockdown, spurred me on and I finally wrote The Sum of all Parts, a story that had been fermenting for a number of years. 2023 saw my debut book’s publication and also saw my confidence soar. And guess what, that increase in confidence had a knock on effect in other areas of my life as well. I realised that I had worth and ability, and I started on being just a little less low maintenance – a bit of exercise, a better diet, care in my appearance. I also spend time – now what would you call it – meditating? Grounding myself? Let’s opt for silent contemplation, weather permitting, in my garden; allowing myself to focus on nature, to shed any cares and worries I may be feeling. It’s a wonderful activity, I heartily recommend it. I also took heed from other advice I had received: positive thoughts only. So now instead of thinking I’m old, ugly, past it, that I have failed in so many areas of my life; I have replaced those old thoughts with I am a published author with another book in the pipeline, and I’m not too shabby for a 50 year old mother of three and grandmother of one. To quote Marcus Aurelius ‘our life is what our thoughts make it’ and it would be wise to heed this. As I mention in The Sum of all Parts ‘our thoughts create feelings, our feelings create behaviour, and our behaviour creates thoughts.’ It’s an endless cycle so we’d do well to make sure our thoughts are positive ones.

I have a long way to go, but slowly and surely I feel that I am making changes for the better. I am improving my mindset, I am looking after me and it follows that if I am happy then those around me will be too. It can only be a win-win situation.

So 2023. I am sad to see you go and I admit, I am still feeling a little negative about celebrating the fact that another year is behind me, not to mention scared. I know that as well as successes, 2023 also saw failures and disappointments, but I will do my best not to dwell on them. It is what it is. I am human and I make mistakes, and I will inevitably make many more before I’m done. I can’t go back and change anything, and why would I want to? What has happened brought me to where I am today. We learn from our past and we grow from it. We adapt and move on. So here’s to 2024, toa better me and a second book, all going well.

Happy New Year!

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